14. Garden

You were alone when it happened.

The phone rang, a stranger gave me the facts, and suddenly you were gone. I had gone to bed, and when I woke up you had slipped away. Time immediately felt slower without you. I sluggishly moved through the hours, wading through the grief.
They told me your wishes; a modest ceremony and spreading the ashes in your garden. Your ashes. I wondered if you had entrusted me with your wishes before, I rack my brain for a time when you told me them yourself, but I can’t recall it.
One of our biggest fights happened here.
You were trying to convince me that my soul mattered; that my actions would haunt me in the next life. I was screaming at you that nothing mattered; I believed in no next life. That made you cry. I still carry the shame of that argument.
Now the place feels hollow. Every corner of this garden that you poured yourself into now outlives you with every day that passes. I can’t bear it. If it hadn’t been yours, I would find it quite beautiful.
I should have learned the names of the things you planted. I should have given a shit. You had been so patient with me, so diligent. I couldn’t stand still for long enough to ever truly listen to you.
Now, you’re with your God and I walk around your garden under the watchful eye of no one. I am filled with a restless panic, a nervous hum runs through me tirelessly and leaves me to collapse by the day’s end. Dreamless.
You reminded me endlessly to be patient, that I’m young, that I have time. I feel time crunching down on me more now than ever. Slowing feels impossible. Where did your time go? Into a garden, one your own child couldn’t appreciate enough to share with you. A garden where you sowed your sorrows, harvested joy, and raked away day after day.
They’re coming tomorrow to hear my decision. I can’t leave the garden. I can’t leave you yet. But you’ve already left me. So here I sit in your garden, our garden, reliving our fights when I was so young and you were so tired of me. Yet, you relentlessly loved me, even when I was most unworthy of it. How did you ever do that?
I’m not even sure I’m grieving you correctly. In a place that was never meant to be mine, I am surrounded by you.